Rant.

you walk on empty sidewalks with a bag full of fat, irritating books slashed across your back scraping into the skin on the back of your shins. you hate it. you hate how the 'pretend' snow taunts you ever so frequently. you stick out your tongue for it, but it doesn't land there. not quite the sensation you'd been longing for. you feel hate. big, massive, ugly amounts of hate. yet this walk from the station is the best thing in your life right now.

i miss lahore. i miss my people, my home. i miss how my cellphone wouldn't stop ringing all day. i want to go to zahra's house and badger her mom for food. i want the coke in her kitchen and and fill our time with long talks of nothingness and laughter. i want to drive with fatimah in the backseat of a car, i want to sit in ukays's room and diss the fuck outta him, i want to crib about faiz's food and complain about feroz, i want to go see zareen khala and secretly observe jay's room again, i want to go on long drives with ahmed smoking stacks of cigarettes, i wat to argue with zahra asad outside tuition centres, i want to sneak from tuition centres to sunnainahs house, i want to kick qasim in the knees for having long hair,i want to strut around debate competitions with daniyal looking all important, i want to fight with zohaib, i want to sit in the computer lab with abdul and work on my project, i want to talk to habeeba and bug the hell out of her, i want to dance with crispy, hoor, nida, abbass and mysbah in SC-2, i want to be perverted with anam, i want rasti to slap me during concerts and i want everything i once called 'my life' back again.

thank you for being there mani, everytime ive needed you to be. for coming down when im sick, down or merely bored. for coming all the way to canary wharf to make sure i dont fall asleep, for not letting me feel like a fucking loner in the fucking dull grey country. i dont say it enough, but seriously..thanks.

saleha, you are my drive. my motivation. you make every minute of my life better, you make me realise that i'm still lucky to be alive, that i'm still loved. you're my every wish come true and more. i love you.

zahra, my biggest fear is drifting away from you. i'm scared that one day you'll realise that i'm too far away to be the same old 'dopey' that i once was, that one day we won't be the same. don't let that happen. ever.

i haven't slept. bye.